Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Cabin in the Woods: Guest reviewer Brett Fowler

What. The. Fuck.

I love horror movies. I love Drew Goddard since his days on “Buffy.” I have a secret geek crush on Fran Kranz since his short stint on the underrated “Dollhouse.” So naturally, you’d assume that I’m a shoe-in for liking “The Cabin in the Woods.” But I can’t help but feel like I could have spent those two hours of my life that I spent in this movie doing something productive, like oh say masturbating or pooping.
Not actual picture of Brett masturbating or pooping.
I was psyched for this movie, and perhaps my dismal opinion of the film itself is a product of all the hype surrounding it. I had high expectations and somehow, the film managed to shit on all of them. That mind-blowing twist you’ve heard critics raving about? Yeah… it was as if a third grader wrote it after snorting lines of Pixie Sticks and drinking too many cans of Surge.
We think "The Cabin in the Woods" is a better name than "Poopy Pants House", Tyler.
As an avid lover of all things horror, I can tell you the movie was neither scary nor half as “meta” or clever as an episode of “Community.” I guess I expected a tribute to the “Scream” franchise, but unfortunately the movie didn’t even come close. The movie fails because it’s neither scary nor clever, and what results is a sort of bastard byproduct of a script that doesn’t know exactly what the fuck it is. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t all that funny, and it wasn’t anything that I haven’t seen done before.
Brett's WTF face during the movie.
What made “Scream” so amazing to the horror genre was it’s ability to both scare and humor it’s audience. It turned film clichés on their heads and surprised the audience with twists that actually made sense within its universe. “The Cabin in the Woods” tries to do the same, but it’s like watching a mentally retarded child try and recite the alphabet backwards. Neither all that hilarious, nor all that exciting. Read the spoilers, skip the movie, and go watch a good horror movie instead.

Rating: Gremlins/IT + The Strangers– The Hills Have Eyes/Chris Hemsworth naked

Check out more of Brett's reviews at