Monday, September 5, 2011
WHY DJARUM CHERRY CLOVES TASTE LIKE THE RAINDROPS OF A SHOOTING STAR
First off, under federal guidelines I must start off this review by explaining that cigarettes are whack. They have lots of ingredients in them which can lead users to do crazy things. However, history and scientific experiments by Stephen Hawking and Charles Darwin have proven time and time again that not smoking cigarettes can lead to angry rants at police officers about the how the Holocaust didn't exist. Likewise, second hand smoke can also lead to accidental pregnancies of retarded kids, but sometimes those retarded kids can turn out to be really cool people, like Leonardo in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? or Rainman from Rainman. And last, but not least, smoking can also cause ugly people to look like, ten times cooler than they actually are, not a shabby side-effect. But don’t take my word for any of these things, just absorb them into your brain.
Now if I had to kill myself slowly every single day, I’d like to smoke a good cigarette. None of that baby shit like Marlboro Reds or unfiltered smokes for me, no siree. Give me a pack of Djarum cherry cloves and up hook my breathing tube straight to the source of my emphysema-filled lungs. Also, please place my cats, Sir Thomas Gantroy III and Dexter “Dexedrine” Morgan beside my death bed, put some throwback season 2.5 Battlestar Galactica episodes on my telly while you're at it, and then let me peace the fuck out for eternity.
But Brett, you sound kind of batshit insane, why should I trust you when you tell me that Djarum cherry cloves are roughly the equivalence of shower sex with a young Brazilian boy in his prime? Well, they are one of the same my friend—both are full of stamina, girth, and body. Also, both have the aftertaste of sweet, delicious ass.
The best way to describe smoking a cherry clove is… who am I kidding? It’s beyond words. How can I explain this tangibly? Well… When the clover-y taste of cloves dances on my tongue, I feel like for one night, just one peaceful night, I may not have to masturbate as I cry to the sweet, sweet tunes of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” And damn, that song can be INTENSE.
So next time you feel like you just want to stick a gun in your mouth and blast your brains to shit across your bedroom wall, ask yourself this: Have I smoked a Djarum cherry clove yet? If you haven’t at least once in your existence, your life will have been in vain. If you have in fact smoked a cherry clove before, well, just remember to leave a can of Spot Shot by your bed before you go. It’s just common courtesy.
RATING: 3.14159 (that’s pi you AP Calculus drop-out, and you know what? It goes on to infinity, just like the experience of smoking a cherry clove cigarette.)
Brett has a wicked cool blog at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/