Everyone knows that women are stupid ignorant bitches. I mean honestly, what has any woman done to impact the course of history other than pop out the occasional male baby? Okay, maybe not Harriet Tubman, that chick was legit, but she’s maybe the only woman in the entire course of time who is moderately bearable.
|Totally useless in a zombie apocalypse.|
Now you may be thinking why all this female hate? Don’t you have a vagina, Brett? That’s a sensitive subject, but don’t ya’ll worry, my self-loathing fully compensates for my grim view on the female race.
Anyhoo, “The Walking Dead” is so fantastic because it’s finally a show that I, as a woman, can relate to. When the zombie apocalypse finally hits, do you really think that I’m going to think about survival? Hells no. The first thing I would want to do is put myself into my place and do menial chores like cook dinner and wash laundry. Why? Because everyone knows that the only reason women exist is to cater to men. And in a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than wearing clean clothes and having a properly arranged dinner plate. Now, if for some reason I were forced to wield a gun, my first instinct would be that my brain might explode. For starters, the female brain just isn’t capable of processing complex situations—that’s why it’s smaller than the male brain. Secondly, my muscles just wouldn’t be able to control a gun properly, which would ultimately result in disaster. And lastly, there are men who could do a much better job at protecting me than I ever could.
|"It's best to give me that firearm, Andrea."|
Lori, however, is my favorite character on this show. Why? Because she’s just so amazingly awful at everything she does. Naturally, as a woman, I relate to Lori the most. I can’t count how many times that I too, have tried complex processes like reading and driving at the same time and failed miserably. I also applaud Lori’s stone-age take on feminism. Girl makes some valid points! Women belong in the kitchen. They also are naturally whorish and slutty by nature and incapable of monogamous relationships. Additionally, most are too dumb to use the pull out method during a zombie apocalypse and WOULD attempt an abortion by swallowing the morning after pill weeks after their pregnancy. Trust me, this method doesn’t work ya’ll! But you know what does? Dumpster babies.
|Zombie dumpster babies are just sad. We need to repopulate the earth, not teach zombies to go dumpster diving for a kids meal.|
FINAL RATING OF “THE WALKING DEAD”: 10 OUT OF 10 SHANE-SIZED PENISES.
Brett writes amazing blog posts at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/