A Plea for “The Walking Dead” by Guest Writer Brett Fowler

Everyone knows that women are stupid ignorant bitches. I mean honestly, what has any woman done to impact the course of history other than pop out the occasional male baby? Okay, maybe not Harriet Tubman, that chick was legit, but she’s maybe the only woman in the entire course of time who is moderately bearable.

Totally useless in a zombie apocalypse.

Women are awful, and if it were up to me I would send every last one of ‘em to those FEMA camps Glenn Beck constantly cries about. So low and behold I was ECSTATIC when I turned on my TV to watch “The Walking Dead” and FINALLY, at long last, find a show that knows how to portray the modern female character as pure evil incarnate.

Now you may be thinking why all this female hate? Don’t you have a vagina, Brett? That’s a sensitive subject, but don’t ya’ll worry, my self-loathing fully compensates for my grim view on the female race.

Anyhoo, “The Walking Dead” is so fantastic because it’s finally a show that I, as a woman, can relate to. When the zombie apocalypse finally hits, do you really think that I’m going to think about survival? Hells no. The first thing I would want to do is put myself into my place and do menial chores like cook dinner and wash laundry. Why? Because everyone knows that the only reason women exist is to cater to men. And in a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than wearing clean clothes and having a properly arranged dinner plate. Now, if for some reason I were forced to wield a gun, my first instinct would be that my brain might explode. For starters, the female brain just isn’t capable of processing complex situations—that’s why it’s smaller than the male brain. Secondly, my muscles just wouldn’t be able to control a gun properly, which would ultimately result in disaster. And lastly, there are men who could do a much better job at protecting me than I ever could.

"It's best to give me that firearm, Andrea." 

Andrea is a perfect example of why females should never EVER be allowed to use guns. Even though by some genetic anomaly she seems to have a good shot, her brain was physically incapable of relaying the message not to shoot her friend, Daryl. What an idiot! As if her shitty reflexes weren’t enough to convince the audience of how dumb all women are, the writers imbued her with an even dumber sense of reasoning. For instance, last episode, she actively campaigned to let a teenager kill herself. I mean, I guess kudos, because women SHOULD definitely kill themselves during an apocalypse, but still… it just proves my point that women are not physically capable of understanding the simple logic of survival.

Lori, however, is my favorite character on this show. Why? Because she’s just so amazingly awful at everything she does. Naturally, as a woman, I relate to Lori the most. I can’t count how many times that I too, have tried complex processes like reading and driving at the same time and failed miserably. I also applaud Lori’s stone-age take on feminism. Girl makes some valid points! Women belong in the kitchen. They also are naturally whorish and slutty by nature and incapable of monogamous relationships. Additionally, most are too dumb to use the pull out method during a zombie apocalypse and WOULD attempt an abortion by swallowing the morning after pill weeks after their pregnancy. Trust me, this method doesn’t work ya’ll! But you know what does? Dumpster babies.

Zombie dumpster babies are just sad. We need to repopulate the earth, not teach zombies to go dumpster diving for a kids meal.

Anyway, my point in all of this is to commend the female writers of “The Walking Dead.” You guys really nailed the voice of females everywhere. Even though I don’t think you should even be allowed to write for a television show much less be allowed to participate in activities outside of your own home, I’m glad you represent the women of America!

FINAL RATING OF “THE WALKING DEAD”: 10 OUT OF 10 SHANE-SIZED PENISES.

Brett writes amazing blog posts at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/