Monday, October 17, 2011

Brett Fowler reviews Terra Nova

THE HYPE: Out of all of the fall shows, I have to say, this one had my “Welcome to Caprica City” panties moist at the mere mention of Jason O’ Mara, dinosaurs, time travel, that one dude from “Avatar,” and freaking Declan from “Degrassi” in the same sentence. Buzz for the pilot was strong, some even going so far as to claim this would be the next “Lost….” I’m not sure if they meant that as a compliment or an insult though… On second thought…
This device helps alleviate the smell of shit.

THE D.L.: It was probably an insult. If you’re a fan of watching old people try to take a shit before they've taken their Metamucil, listening to Dakota Fanning scream at Tom Cruise about aliens for two whole hours, and/or just happen to hold a fond appreciation for sticking firecrackers up kitten’s anuses, then this might just be the show for you. Because honestly, chances are quite good that you’re either painting portraits of clowns in a jail cell right now or the inspiration behind Shia LeBeouf’s riveting portrayal of a mentally retarded kid in that one obscure Disney movie (holla at ya boi, Tru Confessions fans!). This ain’t rocket science Terra Nova writers. Really. How can you possibly fuck up a show about dinosaurs and time travel so royally? I’m not sure what third grader you were consulting for that whole plot line about pterodactyls swooping down and pecking the Terra Novans to death (obviously one who had stayed up late to watch Pterodactyls starring Coolio on SyFy), but did you really have to pull out the amnesia card by your third episode? The pilot had potential, I’ll give credit where credit’s due, but this show jumped so bat-shittingly crazy over a shark by its second episode that Spielberg is gonna need a much bigger boat if he wants to save this one big pile of shit. Loaded references ya’ll!