The Cabin in the Woods: Guest reviewer Brett Fowler

What. The. Fuck.

I love horror movies. I love Drew Goddard since his days on “Buffy.” I have a secret geek crush on Fran Kranz since his short stint on the underrated “Dollhouse.” So naturally, you’d assume that I’m a shoe-in for liking “The Cabin in the Woods.” But I can’t help but feel like I could have spent those two hours of my life that I spent in this movie doing something productive, like oh say masturbating or pooping.

Not actual picture of Brett masturbating or pooping.

I was psyched for this movie, and perhaps my dismal opinion of the film itself is a product of all the hype surrounding it. I had high expectations and somehow, the film managed to shit on all of them. That mind-blowing twist you’ve heard critics raving about? Yeah… it was as if a third grader wrote it after snorting lines of Pixie Sticks and drinking too many cans of Surge.

We think "The Cabin in the Woods" is a better name than "Poopy Pants House", Tyler.

As an avid lover of all things horror, I can tell you the movie was neither scary nor half as “meta” or clever as an episode of “Community.” I guess I expected a tribute to the “Scream” franchise, but unfortunately the movie didn’t even come close. The movie fails because it’s neither scary nor clever, and what results is a sort of bastard byproduct of a script that doesn’t know exactly what the fuck it is. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t all that funny, and it wasn’t anything that I haven’t seen done before.

Brett's WTF face during the movie.

What made “Scream” so amazing to the horror genre was it’s ability to both scare and humor it’s audience. It turned film clichés on their heads and surprised the audience with twists that actually made sense within its universe. “The Cabin in the Woods” tries to do the same, but it’s like watching a mentally retarded child try and recite the alphabet backwards. Neither all that hilarious, nor all that exciting. Read the spoilers, skip the movie, and go watch a good horror movie instead.

Rating: Gremlins/IT + The Strangers– The Hills Have Eyes/Chris Hemsworth naked

Check out more of Brett's reviews at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com

A Plea for “The Walking Dead” by Guest Writer Brett Fowler

Everyone knows that women are stupid ignorant bitches. I mean honestly, what has any woman done to impact the course of history other than pop out the occasional male baby? Okay, maybe not Harriet Tubman, that chick was legit, but she’s maybe the only woman in the entire course of time who is moderately bearable.

Totally useless in a zombie apocalypse.

Women are awful, and if it were up to me I would send every last one of ‘em to those FEMA camps Glenn Beck constantly cries about. So low and behold I was ECSTATIC when I turned on my TV to watch “The Walking Dead” and FINALLY, at long last, find a show that knows how to portray the modern female character as pure evil incarnate.

Now you may be thinking why all this female hate? Don’t you have a vagina, Brett? That’s a sensitive subject, but don’t ya’ll worry, my self-loathing fully compensates for my grim view on the female race.

Anyhoo, “The Walking Dead” is so fantastic because it’s finally a show that I, as a woman, can relate to. When the zombie apocalypse finally hits, do you really think that I’m going to think about survival? Hells no. The first thing I would want to do is put myself into my place and do menial chores like cook dinner and wash laundry. Why? Because everyone knows that the only reason women exist is to cater to men. And in a zombie apocalypse, nothing is more important than wearing clean clothes and having a properly arranged dinner plate. Now, if for some reason I were forced to wield a gun, my first instinct would be that my brain might explode. For starters, the female brain just isn’t capable of processing complex situations—that’s why it’s smaller than the male brain. Secondly, my muscles just wouldn’t be able to control a gun properly, which would ultimately result in disaster. And lastly, there are men who could do a much better job at protecting me than I ever could.

"It's best to give me that firearm, Andrea." 

Andrea is a perfect example of why females should never EVER be allowed to use guns. Even though by some genetic anomaly she seems to have a good shot, her brain was physically incapable of relaying the message not to shoot her friend, Daryl. What an idiot! As if her shitty reflexes weren’t enough to convince the audience of how dumb all women are, the writers imbued her with an even dumber sense of reasoning. For instance, last episode, she actively campaigned to let a teenager kill herself. I mean, I guess kudos, because women SHOULD definitely kill themselves during an apocalypse, but still… it just proves my point that women are not physically capable of understanding the simple logic of survival.

Lori, however, is my favorite character on this show. Why? Because she’s just so amazingly awful at everything she does. Naturally, as a woman, I relate to Lori the most. I can’t count how many times that I too, have tried complex processes like reading and driving at the same time and failed miserably. I also applaud Lori’s stone-age take on feminism. Girl makes some valid points! Women belong in the kitchen. They also are naturally whorish and slutty by nature and incapable of monogamous relationships. Additionally, most are too dumb to use the pull out method during a zombie apocalypse and WOULD attempt an abortion by swallowing the morning after pill weeks after their pregnancy. Trust me, this method doesn’t work ya’ll! But you know what does? Dumpster babies.

Zombie dumpster babies are just sad. We need to repopulate the earth, not teach zombies to go dumpster diving for a kids meal.

Anyway, my point in all of this is to commend the female writers of “The Walking Dead.” You guys really nailed the voice of females everywhere. Even though I don’t think you should even be allowed to write for a television show much less be allowed to participate in activities outside of your own home, I’m glad you represent the women of America!

FINAL RATING OF “THE WALKING DEAD”: 10 OUT OF 10 SHANE-SIZED PENISES.

Brett writes amazing blog posts at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/

Brett Fowler reviews Terra Nova

THE HYPE: Out of all of the fall shows, I have to say, this one had my “Welcome to Caprica City” panties moist at the mere mention of Jason O’ Mara, dinosaurs, time travel, that one dude from “Avatar,” and freaking Declan from “Degrassi” in the same sentence. Buzz for the pilot was strong, some even going so far as to claim this would be the next “Lost….” I’m not sure if they meant that as a compliment or an insult though… On second thought…

This device helps alleviate the smell of shit.

THE D.L.: It was probably an insult. If you’re a fan of watching old people try to take a shit before they've taken their Metamucil, listening to Dakota Fanning scream at Tom Cruise about aliens for two whole hours, and/or just happen to hold a fond appreciation for sticking firecrackers up kitten’s anuses, then this might just be the show for you. Because honestly, chances are quite good that you’re either painting portraits of clowns in a jail cell right now or the inspiration behind Shia LeBeouf’s riveting portrayal of a mentally retarded kid in that one obscure Disney movie (holla at ya boi, Tru Confessions fans!). This ain’t rocket science Terra Nova writers. Really. How can you possibly fuck up a show about dinosaurs and time travel so royally? I’m not sure what third grader you were consulting for that whole plot line about pterodactyls swooping down and pecking the Terra Novans to death (obviously one who had stayed up late to watch Pterodactyls starring Coolio on SyFy), but did you really have to pull out the amnesia card by your third episode? The pilot had potential, I’ll give credit where credit’s due, but this show jumped so bat-shittingly crazy over a shark by its second episode that Spielberg is gonna need a much bigger boat if he wants to save this one big pile of shit. Loaded references ya’ll!

Guest review by Brett Fowler! Djarum Cherry Cloves.

WHY DJARUM CHERRY CLOVES TASTE LIKE THE RAINDROPS OF A SHOOTING STAR
by Brett


First off, under federal guidelines I must start off this review by explaining that cigarettes are whack. They have lots of ingredients in them which can lead users to do crazy things. However, history and scientific experiments by Stephen Hawking and Charles Darwin have proven time and time again that not smoking cigarettes can lead to angry rants at police officers about the how the Holocaust didn't exist. Likewise, second hand smoke can also lead to accidental pregnancies of retarded kids, but sometimes those retarded kids can turn out to be really cool people, like Leonardo in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? or Rainman from Rainman. And last, but not least, smoking can also cause ugly people to look like, ten times cooler than they actually are, not a shabby side-effect. But don’t take my word for any of these things, just absorb them into your brain.


Now if I had to kill myself slowly every single day, I’d like to smoke a good cigarette. None of that baby shit like Marlboro Reds or unfiltered smokes for me, no siree. Give me a pack of Djarum cherry cloves and up hook my breathing tube straight to the source of my emphysema-filled lungs. Also, please place my cats, Sir Thomas Gantroy III and Dexter “Dexedrine” Morgan beside my death bed, put some throwback season 2.5 Battlestar Galactica episodes on my telly while you're at it, and then let me peace the fuck out for eternity.


But Brett, you sound kind of batshit insane, why should I trust you when you tell me that Djarum cherry cloves are roughly the equivalence of shower sex with a young Brazilian boy in his prime? Well, they are one of the same my friend—both are full of stamina, girth, and body. Also, both have the aftertaste of sweet, delicious ass. 


The best way to describe smoking a cherry clove is… who am I kidding? It’s beyond words. How can I explain this tangibly? Well… When the clover-y taste of cloves dances on my tongue, I feel like for one night, just one peaceful night, I may not have to masturbate as I cry to the sweet, sweet tunes of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” And damn, that song can be INTENSE.


So next time you feel like you just want to stick a gun in your mouth and blast your brains to shit across your bedroom wall, ask yourself this: Have I smoked a Djarum cherry clove yet? If you haven’t at least once in your existence, your life will have been in vain. If you have in fact smoked a cherry clove before, well, just remember to leave a can of Spot Shot by your bed before you go. It’s just common courtesy. 


RATING: 3.14159 (that’s pi you AP Calculus drop-out, and you know what? It goes on to infinity, just like the experience of smoking a cherry clove cigarette.)
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Brett has a wicked cool blog at http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/